What I Learned About Therapy From Selling My House, Moving to Seattle, and Starting Over
Less than a year ago, my wife and I decided that we would sell our house, move to Seattle, and redevelop my business. Why would we choose to do such an upheaval? Well my wife was also 3 months pregnant and she grew up in Seattle. We had 3 miscarriages prior and were split between staying in our comfortable life or moving to a place where we had additional support and an opportunity to start fresh. When making this decision I hadn’t fully evaluated how this would be one of the most vulnerable years of my life, and that this process would become a kind of case study for me personally, professionally, and therapeutically.
The Activation of Fear – The Survival Self
When we grow up, there are various experiences that inform how we respond to stress. Do we run away, run towards, or freeze entirely. If we have experienced running away (escape), then a situation that looks like running away (moving) can be incredibly activating. I had difficulty seeing that this decision would also remind me of all the times I had to escape in my past. Selling a house felt as much as an emotional decision as it did a financial decision, and that process stirred up a lot of feelings.
My Survival Self had a field day:
- Why would you leave? All your friends are here. If you leave, you will be all alone.
- Seattle is expensive. You won’t be able to buy another house, and your business will fail.
- Why do you even try when you know everything will fall apart?
In therapy we understand this as a protective response attempting to keep us safe, while really it’s just smearing the fear from the past into the future. When this happens we find ourselves not sharing these thoughts openly. We don’t want to speak those things into reality, but then by not sharing, we are also structuralizing that fear into the present moment. This double bind, has us feeling more alone and isolated.
Therapy Is About Tolerating Uncertainty and Seeing Reality
A common phrase I say during therapy, and one I was taught in my own development of practice, was that “the goal of therapy is to be neither for, or against, any emotion that arises.” Many writers, speakers and sages of time have shared this similar sentiment about being open to uncertainty. We need to learn how to tolerate the discomfort as much as we tolerate the comfort. Tolerate does not mean to accept, or approve. It means allowing it to just exist because that feeling does exist.
Sitting with fear without letting it dictate your choices is hard. For me, that meant having clarity of destructive times where I did survive falling apart, and having to see clearly that this experience was a reactivation of that far earlier wound. Reminding myself I am a man in my mid 30’s with resources, skills, and support was crucial for me not acting out the role of the small boy that had to act like everything was good on the surface, while feeling terrified underneath.
The Power of Support Systems
When we develop a fierce streak of independence we can unconsciously associate support as being a sign of weakness. Some also will feel guilty, holding the belief that support is a burden for others. Clarity, however, is seeing that our supporters are literally there to support us.
During our transition during this move, I had to rely on my support system in a way I never had before. In one corner, my therapist is reminding me that anxiety often shows up when we’re doing something new and meaningful. Friends and colleagues kept affirming my decision with statements like, “You’ve got this. You’ll do great. You’ve always been good at change.” My wife allowed me the space to express my fear and helped me see the reality that this move would provide us with more opportunity.
That validation and support did not make my fears go away, but they kept me moving forward, rather than retreating.
Vulnerability as a Professional Practice
Tell enough people you’re a therapist and you start to realize people look at you a little differently. They know you spend your whole day seeing past the surface of issues to try and find the deeper impacts and connection. But, full disclosure, being a therapist does not make you immune to fear. (If you haven’t figured it our we’re typically the most crushed in life). In fact, it actually makes you more aware of it.
Packing up our house, saying goodbye to friends and family, moving my whole therapy practice, and leaving an area I lived in for 18 years, all while managing our own personal grief, fear, and pain was one the most difficult experiences of my adult life. From the other side of that move I can proudly state that we are doing great. Our baby is actually due this week. We are settled and already feel very entrenched in our friendships here. The excitement around us is buzzing, even as the days are getting shorter.
The General Takeaway
When we move through life open to the dynamic possibilities that exist without resisting the negative or the positive, we often find ourselves in a state of flow. Carl Jung talked about synchronicity, the aligning of our inner experience with our outer reality, without it feeling like chance, but feeling more meaningful.
So, if you’re considering therapy, ending a toxic relationship, or moving your entire life, the process can feel terrifying. But if you can remain open to the reality in front of you, see why that terror exists, dig into the support that exists around you, and keep putting one foot in front of the other, you might be surprised at where you land.
