Why Survival is More Important Than Love – Somatic Therapy In Seattle
Survival Comes First
If anyone has taken a generic psychology class at UW, or SPU, or worked with a Seattle therapist you may have been introduced to the concept of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It’s a pretty basic concept, but the foundation is made of basic needs for survival and as the pyramid moves up more complex needs like love, self esteem, and finally self actualization occur.
However, we don’t often stop to think how the basics of survival are physiological and emotional. Before we can explore belonging or intimacy, our systems are wired to make sure we are safe in our earliest love relationships. Even when there is no real threat, the nervous system can still react as if survival is on the line, leading us to pull away, fight, or even give up.
For example, if love in our early life was tied to feelings of rejection, then we unconsciously learn to activate as soon as a rupture in that emotional arena take place. We don’t consciously see ourselves playing out these early response patterns. In therapy, I see couples trying desperately to explain to their partners why they are mad, only to see the other partner shut down entirely. When you see the survival technique in action you realize you’re looking at two children in adult bodies, desperate for secure love, going on the offensive in order to protect themselves. An opportunity to connect and understand your partner is instead met with actions that create distance, but also reinforce a deeper safety.
How the Survival Self Forms
An infant or toddler cannot make a choice to stop needing care. Their survival depends entirely on mature caregivers who meet their physiological and emotional needs. A child has no other choice but to adapt when those needs are not met, and survival takes the priority.
Whatever the backdrop is, the pivotal moment for relationship development comes when emotional contact with a caregiver is disrupted. When that bond feels strained, the child, still needing the parents support, adapts to preserve the relationship. These adaptations are intelligent in the moment, but they create a survival self that remains long after childhood.
Some of the most common patterns look like this:
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Pleasing: shaping yourself to meet others’ expectations so affection is not withdrawn
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Withdrawing: pulling back or going silent to avoid provoking conflict
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Performing: striving for achievement and perfection as a way to feel worthy of love
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Controlling: organizing the environment and relationships to minimize risk and surprise
These strategies are highly successful at keeping attachment intact during childhood, and keep care accessible. The unknown impact is that they become early ways we view intimacy as dangerous and in need of constant management.
My somatic therapy practice in Seattle can help identify how these strategies are emotionally expressed, and can help interrupt these ruptures. When cues that trigger defensives responses are identified, therapy can then help interrupt old patterns and create room for new ones.
Old Wounds in Present Relationships
Romantic partnerships, marriages, and other relationships activate these same survival strategies. Some examples: A delayed text response from a partner can bring up feelings of abandonment. A critical comment can register in the body as a rejection. On a conscious level, these ruptures are not considered to not be life or death, but the nervous system when activated in the moment does not have the ability to make that distinction.
Returning back to the hierarchy of needs, our need for safety and survival becomes prioritized over maintaining closeness with our partner. A partner will instead retreat when closeness is offered, or they may argue when their silent presence would have been enough. They may avoid intimacy because closeness still feels unsafe. The past is repeated in the present, and survival continues to take priority over connection.
Moving Toward the Real Self
The solution is not to try and get rid of our survival strategies. They are still really important for keeping us safe. We are also unable to change our pasts or choose a different cultural background. What we experienced is our unique story, and thats part of being human.
The real work is recognizing our responses, allowing the emotions that are present to be expressed, and helping our partners hold a place of witnessing. When a partner is able to stay present with our emotions, even the scary ones, they model the non-rejecting figure we needed most when we were young. Psychology refers to reaching self actualization, developing a real self, or cultivating a healthy ego state. Whichever way we want to frame it, the task becomes to develop the part of us that can tell the difference between an old wound and the discomfort of the present moment.
Somatic therapy is particularly effective in this process. The relational space between the therapist and the patient becomes the fertile ground for these reactions to express themselves. A therapist won’t run into the defensive position, and will ideally help you express those early hurts and help you understand that the present moment is not dangerous.
Love With Clear Eyes
Trying to explain these deep emotional reactions is difficult. And I also know that “solutions” are easy to write, but much harder to achieve in practice. My own relationship history is a testament to this, and honestly it’s still not done. I speak about this regularly in my own consultation and with clients doing somatic therapy here in Seattle. Now that I am about to be a father, I am having memories and feelings coming up that I hadn’t ever thought to look at. “How could a father leave a 6 month old baby?” “What was the love like between my parents that I witnessed?”. The reality is that life is an unfolding, biologically ran, process that we are lucky to take part in, and I equally love and hate that every turn gives me more perspective.
With clarity though, we can see these perspectives, and do our best not to act out the same patterns we always did. Instead, I get the opportunity to share that emotional reaction with those I care for and love. I can’t think of a better outcome. In the past, for myself, it would have been pretending, “Everything is fine. I’m fine.” And then move on, or perhaps be critical of someone else instead. But now, I get to have my emotions freely, and see clearly that I’m safe. When we begin to notice the difference between an old threat and today’s emotional reality, love becomes possible again.
